friends

it's been while..

i can't barely remember what i wrote for the last time..

haha..it's weird to see me hanging around with a bunch of..

crazy friends..whom i seldom see.. seldom talk...different course..different age..

guess what is fun ^^..these are real fun..which i can't believe that i had miss out throughout my whole year..

what a waste..good friends are hard to find..best friends are hard to be..n crazy friends like you all are meant to be with me ^^..

maybe sometimes you guys made me get annoyed by some jokes..but at times...you guys can really have fun with me..

i've learnt to stop chasing something that not belongs to you..

and what are in their mind are not my concern anymore..

i've learnt to not halt just to look back...we should be bold to keep walking..

the paths are there for you to choose..don't to let the pathways lead u...

keep walking...n start to think of the diverging roads coming to you..

things are hard to see when it's not in front of u..but things will be disappeared when it's not imaging in u..

missing you

it's been a hard time..
i got to see even more clearer..
who are worth to be friends..and who don't..
i really wanted to step out of this whole piece of shit..
step out of this school..
n step out of this 'kids' world..
it's a lot more torturing than working..
working is tiring n challenging..
but at least i can find my true laughters and happiness..
but then if talk about real happiness..
SMK wangsa melawati was my best moment ever..
i found out that..when i went back to old school.. i don't feel like coming out from there anymore..
i can tell that..it is a horrible place in college..it is a lot more horrible than i've ever thought..
i really wanted to get out of there.. get new friends..n stay out of unpleasant back stabbed which are not true at all..
where are all the good people? where are all the fun? where is my true happiness?

5/5/2011
sitting alone in citc..
saw a bunch of freshmen..
looking at the place where we used to sit and laughed a lot..
just like how they did today..
those happy faces..reminds me of what we have been through..
so jealous at them..^^
sometimes i've been thinking why can't we sustain our happy moments..
haha..there is no why n answer for that..
just a silly thoughts ^^..
so wish they wouldn't be like us..so wish they can be that happy..for the rest of the years..

friendship

today went through another crazy day with a bunch of crazy friends..
had a good laughed XD
then saw him...haha..wanted to go and say hi to him.. but i was thinking it must be odd to do it that way..
especially in front of his friends..
my friend told me this..'i thought he's yours..haha i laughed a while and said..yes he's mine..my best friend' ^^
i don't even know did he still take me as a friend or not XD..
i don't know why i had a feeling that he's trying to avoid me..
whenever chat in fb half way and waited for so long..
he will just appeared offline..maybe he's busy i guessed ^^..
feel like there's many thing to tell him..
but he will just offline..
what can i do..
maybe that's the way he wanted to..
if he wants it in that way..i'm fine with it ^^
i've tried my best to talk..but seems like he doesn't want to..^^
it's okay..maybe i made him feel uncomfortable..who noes....
is good to see him smiling and laughing with his friends..
better than emo-ing right? haha..
is good that i left all the things behind already..
everything.. guessed i have to just focus in my studies only right now..
no more worries ^^..as long as he is happy..then i also happy..let us happy happy together.. ^^

T.T

6/2/2011..10.55pm...

my mom n dad had a fight..

real fight..

they were throw chairs at each other..

i was so afraid..T.T

thought of calling my sis..

but i'm afraid she will make things worst..

and my mom chased out my dad already..

i don't know how to respond..

i'm just..scared..

i wanna called my buddy...who i used to talk to last time..

but now..

it just not good to call during this hour..

is a chinese new year..

started to wondering will he accept my hp call or will he reply me..

i don't know who to find..who to talk to..who to rely on a while..

i'm loss now..T.T

God..pls..help me...

all i can say is a word...sorry..
i tend to get very angry on why is it necessary for you to avoid me..
there's no need too..
i don't know why..
just wanna say..
as long as you are happy..
i'm fine with it..
go on n live your life..
just forget about me like you planned to..but not as how you had promised..

当泪水堵住了胸口 
就让沉默代替所有回答
what can i do..

there's someone who appreciate the moon..
and said no matter what happen..we are still close like friends..
but then it turn out..
i'm sitting alone watching the moon... until it slowly became nothing like in the morning..

morning moon

sometimes..
i feel like i'm the moon..
in the morning u can't see it..
only in the night..it will glows n ppl appreciate it..

i'm not u..

i can't know what's in u..

n don't know what to do..

u gave up on me but i don't..

bear in mind..

i'm done with it..

i'm not your puppet..

real friends are not that way..

i don't trust u anymore..

like how u don't trust me..

u r not my real friends..

real friends won't treat me that way..

u making me felt that i'm your controller..

when u feel good n comfortable..

u will b nice..

when u uncomfortable with your own lame reason n never consider of my feeling..

u left me behind n put me away..while i'm not doing any wrong stuff n take it as i'm refugee..

i'm human k..i'm not your drama characters..

keep for yourself..

i'm done with it at once..

real friends will do what's best for me..not hurting me with your lame reasons for ntg

hi babe..
learn to grow up..
learn to think further..
learn to be patience..
learn to be smart..
i'm afraid of people now..
they are different from before..
they might say NO I didn't..think twice before saying that..
it makes me terrified..
i'm happy to know what am i suppose to do with my future..
i'm not that silly girl who feel sad by doing stuff that people don't understand anymore..
i won't feel sad..
i'm happy..
cause..
i'm expose to something that we should knew earlier..

brand new year

1st jan 2011..
what a tiring day ever..
when to shop with sister n mom n auntie..
thy actually celebrating my advance birthday~
^^ well kinda happy that i found some cheap stuff and bought quite a lot of stuff..
owh god..i got to eat bread during school time again =.=..
previous..i was totally blanked out and i just switched off the phone and enjoyed without hp..
and thats what i call freedom~ ^^
and by the time i switched it on my credit expired..
n that's boom! so many messages came in..haha sorry to them that can't reply on the spot ^^
a brand new year..
a brand new day..
a brand new chapter of life..
so i wish i can have a better year and better life..
i'm learning to love myself more..
keep hurting myself won't make them understand me either..
so what do they think about me..
i don't really care anymore..
no matter how good and real am i people will still feel suspicious and don't believe me..
so why do i so care so much on each and every words while people don't get me n made their own
assumptions and decisions without really concerning my feeling..
i have to move forwards..
the earth will still spinning n time will still running..
i want to be happy..^^ so let's enjoy!!! hope everyone will be happy~ i know they will

u gave up on me

i was still looking at the phone..
thought that miracles will happen..
you will just text me in sudden..
but i realize..
you've had gave up on me..
but i don't..
and never will..
it hurts me a lot..

miss

1st time~
let people guasa on my back..
so pain ...
now still got blue black..n can't sleep well..
feel like an old lady..
cannot move here n there..
bored here..
i miss the moment..
where i have to keep my hp with me..
fingers will be busying replying someone..
and will always check the credit whether is it enough to reply..
and will get ready with a spare top up in my purse..
now..
i got no chance to do that anymore..
feel so..
lonely..
and sad...

6th day

i broke my record on 28 dec 2010..

slept on 5.30am..

what a joke..

lying on bed at 4.30am n started rolling on bed...

and..kept holding the phone..

i don't know what am i doing..

what am i waiting for?

and yet i'm still waiting..

does that so-called 'get used to it'..

perhaps..

don't know what else to do..

so just wait....

and i realize how much n how deep ppl understand me..

lead me to.....

began to feel suspicious on who exactly am i?

am i really that bad n insecure to u?

how dangerous am i?

Lord Jesus..

can u pull me out of all this thing?

i believe in u...please..

1st time in my life..
really broke my record..
tears rolling on christmas day..
worrying..
n sad...
what a bad day..
what can i say..
what can i do?
i can just wait...
and wait..

long time no see..
see a lot of things..
things that i've been through again..
again is one of what i 've been worry all the way..
way far beyond my thoughts..
thought of things will be fine..
fine...like used to be..

new

it's been a while..
since that something was happened..
long time no see blogger...
do u miss me..well i do ^^
do my friends miss me after soooooo long didn't chat or talk together..
is just wondering..
who knows right =P
i'm super bad luck lately..
don't know how to react..
no support..
but full of critisms..
i knew what am i doing anyway..
about the questioned that someone asked me before..
i think i knew why i can't communicate so well...
clearly understood already..

i'm sorry

i wasn't a good friend..
i wasn't a good person..
you guys don't come near me..
i will hurt you..
i'm a useless person...
made so many mistakes...
made so many idiot things..
but i never lie to you..
no one believe me now..
what should i do?
i'm so hurt too..
i really didn't meant that..
why is everyone thought that my words are fake..
i'm just useless..
made people think of that..
i shouldn't be in this world..
to hurt people who so important to me..
who i appreciate the most..
but at last he gave up on me edy..
all my fault..
i'm sorry..
i'm nothing to you already..
but you are still someone to me..
someone special..
i'm sorry

lesson

i learned a phrase from a drama..
a very meaningful and nice one..
the worst thing happen is not by just a seperation between two people..
is the seperation without any memories carried with them..
memories are the one who live in you and you are the one who carry memories with you..

ending

feel like wanted to end this blog..
don't want to write anyore..
feel so empty..
and blank..

maybe i end this blog too soon..
should write more..
but now i felt..
should be closing..

give up

i give up on something..
for someone..
whom..
i've been always waiting for..

i don't wait for any sunshine anymore..
neither rainbow..
i don't wish my rainbow turned to white and black anymore..
no one will know..
so for what still wanted to hold that key..
which the lock is never match with the key..
i'm just holding a useless key....

only love

i love this song..
it is a very nice old song.
it contains a lot of..
meaningful words..sentences..
i can't stop singing that song..
the melody is soo nice that..
can bring me into it..
that song is a part of me now..
it represents me ^^
totally love it..
here's some of the meaningful lyrics..

I know if I could find the word,

To touch you deep inside,

You'd give our dream just one more chance.

Don't let this be our Good-bye.

like i hope..
i don't want to say goodbye yet..
not until my heart stop beating..

far away

today i went back alone..
walked alone along the way..
suddenly..
i found out that..
the pathway to the gate..
is very far away..
it seems like the distance is few kilometres away..
i keep on walking and walking..
it just getting further and further..
it felt like i need hours to reach the gate..

i've been trying to count the steps..
from where i stood..
to the gate..
but..
by the time i was started to say 1~
i just laughed..
and walked off..
i couldn't even dare to count..
i'm afraid..
it could be longer n farer than i've ever thought..
in which i need to walk on..

i had a sweet dream this morning..
which i really hope for it to happen..
but i knew it wouldn't..
because i had the answer already..
i knew what's reality..
what's a real dream..
at first..
i wished to have that kind of dream again..
but i realized..
i can't..
it will just drag me into those dreams..
and i wished not to wake up and face the reality which is totally different from that dream..
if i keep dreaming about those..
i wouldn't have any bravery to face the fact..
i couldn't take it..
i'll collapsed..

even until now..
i still can feel it..
the moment..
of being hold by.......
even just a second..
i still can feel it..
i'm struggling..
to forget about it..
i just can't..
that moment..
it will just stick in my mind..forever...

hate

i'm so hate myself..
can laughed at one minute..
and turn around to be in totally opposite way for another minute..
why can't i just..
keep in the same mood..
till i'm dead..
i hate myself of being so irrational..

hopefully..
tomorrow..
i won't be that way anymore..
tonight is a cold cold night..
so as my heart..
what do you want 'feeling'?
can you just go away..
and don't irritate me anymore..
pls..just go away..

hard

hard to say..
hard to tell..
and hard to explain..
my friends must be wondering..
why am i so happy this few days..
^^ that's what can i do now..

i didn't tell anyone whats's in me recently..
not single people..
hahaha..
it's not that i don't treat them as friends..
maybe i just need time to cool down..

i've been thinking of stupid stuff recently..
XD how funny..
trying to control now..
at least not so sakkai anymore..

hmm..life's hard..
somehow..
don't let the hard conquer my life..
i'll be conquering my own life with my both hands..
back is past..
front is future..
left is friends..
right is family..
but both hands are the way to success..
so let the success lead the pathway to my endless life..

sudden

i got some ideas when i woke up at 7.30am this morning..
and yet..
i forgot what is it now..
how forgetful am i..
maybe will remember later on..

guess what..
my chemistry really blew me away..
failed in a very nice numbers man..
i don't know what else to say..
after what had happened yesterday..
i am totally speechless..
and i just sat there..
and lying on bed till i eventually
fell asleep..

i woke up at 8 something..
and skipped my dinner..
first time in my life don't want to eat for dinner..
i wasn't wanted to wake up at all actually..
but i knew i have to get my applied maths done..
so forced myself to wake up..

ah!! now i remember what i wanted to say..
i sat on sofa in living room today..
and i realized it has been a year i didn't sat on that sofa..
how incredible..
i almost forgot the feel of sitting on the sofa..
that comfortable sofa which i used to sit for like hours without getting up until my mom told so..

i smiled when i was sitting on it this morning while wearing my socks..
suddenly i noticed something..
we actually have been focusing on something..
until forgotten what's the feel around us..
that we used to have..
haha..
i really miss out a lot of things..
but it is all never to late..
try it before you regret..

it is cold everywhere now..
but i hope i can keep your warmth in me..
that's what i kept in me now..
even it only happened just a second..
but i will keep it till my last breath..
never miss out a thing anymore..
because you will really miss it in the end..

mixture

owh man..
just only promised myself to be happy..
but now..
damn!
cool cool~
trying to be cool now~

i don't know how to say..
and who to say..
supposingly..
planning to tell king about it..
because..
i remembered that..i told him at first..
we shared that together..
but i found out that..
it's hard to say now..
i don't know what happen to me..
i just couldn't open my mouth to tell him like before..
shit man..come back larh tan sher nee.. this is not you..

i had mixture of feeling today..
anger..
sad..
n disappointed..
i found out this feeling..
after i came home..
i've been thinking all day long..
what's my problem now..
and i just couldn't get a clear picture yet..

and yet..
i do actually care about what they said..
i don't know i have this kind of feeling..
maybe..something was happening in me..
that made me got hurt..
and so..
suddenly i just felt like..can u guys stop it..
i couldn't take that joke anymore..
it makes me wanna stay far away from him now..
this is horrible man..
i knew i shouldn't have been thinking n care about it so much..
he's trying to take care of me as a good friend..
i understand it..
and thats why i'm so angry at myself..
how could i think it that way..
i'm trying to change now..
trying..
i just need some time..

i found out something from last two days..
i didn't tell anyone..
about the true story of it..
today my bro saw my fist..
he was asking in front of my mom..
i'm so afraid that she would asked..
luckily..
she didn't say anythg..
i'm so confused now..

still pain

today accidently press on my fist..
damn pain..
i never try to get this blue black before..
although i used to hit the wall..
but it will only bleed..
not so serious blue black..

at last i have a MP3..
haha..
borrowed from a friend..
so happy..
at last the music that i wanted to listen that much..
not going to leave me any minute..

today is just a boring day~
even tomorrow will be the same..
actually i have homeworks that should be done..
but will complete by tomorrow ^^..
i have changed a lot..
to be happy than before..
i know i can do it..
live for my life!
cheers!^^

i hate myself

i'm so hate myself..
hate myself of being that way..
hate myself of thinking all rubbish stuff and nonsense stuff..
hate myself of behave so badly..
i'm so sorry to them..
i'm sorry..

i don't know why i couldn't control myself..
i couldn't control myself of behaving so horrible..
i'm so desperate now..
so hate myself!!
even when to hit the wall..
got injured..swollen and bleeding now..
but..

the pain of my heart can't cover from the pain of my fist..
i don't know what else to do..
hate myself  T.T

nothing

really got bad mood recently..
haha..old disease is back..
maybe this is some kind of..
sickness that cannot be recovered..

i don't know what had happen to me..
i was wondering too..
besides..
some kind of feeling that shouldn't be existed..
had..
returned..
i shouldn't be thinking of it..
it's not going to happen..

i keep telling myself..
over and over again..
but i just couldn't stop repeating it..

this time is really a mess..
couldn't tell what's going on...

nothing should be thinking of..
because..
it is impossible to happen..
please...stop thinking of it..

i admit that i think a lot this few days..
thinking of something which is impossible..
to happen..
i really wonder what happen to me this few days..

keep hoping for something..
which it will never come back..
what am i thinking about?
just stop it tan sher nee..

i really can't think of it anymore..
never..
must stop it..
must..

don't hope for that to happen..
don't!!

dresses

how weird..
went to sungei wang..
and looked at dresses..
what happened to me?

how could i possibly look at it?
is just weird..
maybe something reminded me..
haha..
it's the past..
never come back..

so..
just forget about it..
^^..
well.. today is just a boring day..
with coughing all day long..
hopefully can just recover before monday comes..
just pray to God..
please..

not so happy recently..
don't know why..
and don't dare to know..
maybe..
wouldn't want to know either..

sometimes i felt like those rain..
raining heavily..
so good that can release all in just one rain..
one heavy rain..

i'm done with it

great experienced..
great time..
great moral values..
thanks a lot to you guys..
i learnt a lot..

learn to be..
strong..
tough..
don't so fragile anymore..
because..

people who you keep thinking..
things that you keep hoping for..
no one will understand unless u told them..
i'm not forcing anyone..
i'm not trying to make anything anymore..

like what my friend said..
xi guan jiu hao..
i'm just writting to express myself..
not to blame anyone..
or let anyone blame themselves..
but if you want to blame me..
go ahead..

look around me..
i'm happy to have a very good friend now..
he let me understand..
i'm not alone anymore..
and let me understand..
that's what are friends for..
never let me alone no matter what happen..
only we both understand what's the story behind..
won't care about those rumours..
and he's the one..
who will asked me..
a lot of questions..
for now..
thanks again..
next time treat him ice cream..^^

what are friends for..
for me..
it is like what you guys see now..

sick

great...
today is totally no voice out..
sore throat..
flu..
headache..
everything come together..
in a night..

why these uncle aunties want to come and find me..
=.=..
someone please shoo them away..

had a great day with many scars..
and blue blacks on leg..
even got sprained..

now whole body got muscle pain too..
it shows how long didn't exercise already..
not good.. not good..

but now..
let those sickening disease go away first..
i have to battle with them by myself now..
must be strong..fight them back..

finish

finished my exam..
finished my fun day..
finished a very good friendship..

i screwed up everything..
thought of honestly say out will be better..
but ended up..
eventually hurting him..
i don't know what else to say..
besides than sorry..

but somehow..
he is a very good friend..
he can be rely on..
thanks..

i don't know how many times i keep saying sorry..
and to how many people in these few months..
can't i just be just a little smarter next time..
keep hurting people looks like is my job now..
i hate myself of being that way..

i just hope me and him can have a..
happy life like anyone else..
a normal..
and happy life..
again.. sorry..

speechless

today i put a lot of food in my mouth..
just keep on eating and eating..
i wasn't in a good mood..
so i force myself to eat more..
food is the only thing that can keep me happy now..

i saw something that shouldn't see today..
because it shouldn't happen..
i couldn't do anything..
so i just smiled and said..
it's ok..
just forget about it k?

i was trying to hold back..
to not make things worst..
so i have to keep smilling..

it wasn't about how to do..
it was all about how much do you understand..
i was totally speechless when that happened abruptly..
just let the God..
make the pathway for us..
let the God decide..
that's all i can do now..
so stay happy while waiting for it ^^

meanwhile..
i got knocked on a bench edge..
straight away got swollen..
=.=..it hurts..
now there's a mountain below my knee again..
what a..
bad day~

exam

4 days more to my test 3 exam day..
so scared when started to count it..
it is less than 5 days from now..
owh man..
that sucks..

it's pretty funny when looked at how pr got mad..
and started scolding.. ^^
she still looks cute no matter what..

she got really erm..
frustrated i guess..
i also don't know what else to say to her..
what can i do was..
smile.. ^^
that's the best way to keep her cool and calm..
instead of keep talking to her..

today is a weird day..
and it looks like..
i don't know how to describe it..
hmm..anyway..just stay happy..^^
laughing and smiling are the best medicine of my life.. =D

over

i had a talked today..
a talked which strikes my mind..
i agreed with..
different people have different mind..
you will never know what's in his mind..

maybe some issues going on throughout my life..
making me felt that..
friends are so important.
and so..
i'm over with it..
haha..
friends do have something else in their life..
they are not like me..
^^
i was too over..
and so..
i'm trying to control and accept the truth..
and reality..

maybe i need a lot of protection..
and care from people..
very badly..
and so..
i thought i can have it through my friends..
how foolish..
they are not responsible about my life..
they are not here to do what i want..

how could i never think of it?
now i realized everything..
and trying to accept it..

this is all from my brain..
no one asked me to do..
and no one told me too..
it's all from what i see..
and what i feel..

what makes them happy is all i wanted now..
and that's really matter now..
so stay happy friends.. ^^

sad

i did something wrong today..
made pei rong cried..
n king felt bad..
i wasn't in purpose..
T.T..
i'm sorry..

i was keep rolling my tears down..
in bio practical..
on my way to cc..
and even in cc..
and i don't dare to look up..
just look down all the way..

i just felt so guilty..
and ..sad..
just hope pei rong would forgive me..
and don't be upset anymore T.T..
i'm really sorry..
sorry..

i keep it..
i reserved it..
and i stored it..

just keep it to myself..

raining

22/10/10 is the worst day ever..
got myself into a bad temper situation..
bang on the lecture hall's door just like that..
i don't know how the hell i did that..
=.=..

today listened a lot to pei rong..
she said a lot of things to me..
and eric too..
maybe because of all these stuff..
i can't control my tempered..
people used to tell me..
think of the others' feeling..
don't be selfish..
don't misunderstand them..

i agreed..
we have to learn to be more matured..
more rational..
and think further..
but sometimes..
i just wished..
i am still a kid..

i was trying to change my mind..
but after what i've been through in cc yesterday..
i started to feel scared..
afraid..and suddenly i felt that..
i'm not as tough as how i thought i used to be..
i just wanna go home..
and cry..
in my only place where i feel safe..
and no more........................

i was in fear alone yesterday..
even now..
after i heard i have to stayback today..
i was started to feel wanted to skip school..started to feel wanna cry..
and i knew i can't..
i'm afraid of..
the feeling of being .......... is scary...
is not good..
T.T..
i just wanna go home now..
i don't want to be here in any minute..

alone

so many things happen abruptly today..
1st..
i went to cc..
no place to sit..
went to the most back of the cc..
sat at the red sofa..
then i found that..the sofa so hard..=.= even bounce back..
then saw an empty table already..
quickly went to get it..
then found out that..too hot! directly under the sun..
although there's protection but still..
=.= hot~
then saw another empty table!
at the most front..
haha..
so basically..
i shifted from t back to the front.. XD

after that..
so many poeple sat next to me..
from an indian girl..keep changing until!
i got hungry~ at 3 something..
went to canteen2 and got some bread..
and i just left my things there..^^

then when i'm back..
it is so frightening that..
there's 4 guys sat next to me..
i'm in the middle.. @.@
so scary..
then i quickly packed my stuff and walked out..
so scary when u are alone in that kind of situation..
and guess what..
i eventually sat there for almost 5 hours alone in it..
how can i survive in there for so long?
i also have no idea.. haha..XD

ah siang can be my witness..
he saw the whole thing going on..
then he came out and we have a chat..
after i got back home..
then i only realized that today is his birthday!!!
suddenly felt so idiot..
talked to him for so long didn't even wish him =.=..
haix..sad..

then ah rong sms me..
said wanted to scold them..
i was laughing when reading the text..
and i told her..
we can't make people to follow every step of what we want..
they have their freedom..
they have their choice..
and i don't like to force people..
i wanted people to do what they feel happy with..
don't follow people's back if you don't feel happy..
and i'm fine with it.. ^^
because i understand the word of freedom..

weird~

i don't get why i felt weird today..
i just felt..
suddenly happy..
suddenly not happy..
haha..
maybe because of like what eric said..
pre-exam depression..haha =P

hmm..
i felt like writting blog made me felt like..
it's part of job already..
should i write about ghost story?
to make it interesting??
haha..
it's hard to keep a blog to be as interesting as before..
=P..
please la..
no more fighting and arguments in my blog please.. =D

hopefully tomorrow will be better..
like..
something nuts happening to me..
or..
somthing interesting..
@.@ guess what..
pei rong just told me randomly that she wanted to eat something XD..
hahaha..
then continued by seeing two ladies wearing couple shirt..
made her so interested XD..

so that's all for today..
before i pen off..
send my most warmth regards to every of my friends..
stay happy~ ^^

neglected

i was told by someone..
he was afraid of me..
and my first expression was..
@.@ am i that scary to him??
i scared him??
haha..what to do face problem..too fierce =P
just kidding..

my friend told me a point..
which had neglected without noticed it..
which is time..

how should i say..
i don't need a perfect conversation..
i don't need  well planned talk..
i don't need a talk which need to becarefull when talking..
i just need a random talk..
just like normal friend does..

you need time..
i understand..
and so i'm waiting now..
i'll wait till that day..
when you talk to me more than just hi and bye..
just take your time..
until u feel comfort to step forward..

i understand different people have different thoughts..
different way to solve a matter..
and i can't force you to follow my way..
because i don't like to be that kind..
i respect your way..
and understand you..
because i don't want to misunderstand you..
and let you misunderstand me..

i understand the concept of time is needed..
i am so sorry to make you felt so inconvenience at all..
sorry for making you felt so bad..
sorry for have to always keep a distance away..
sorry for making you feel awkward..
and sorry for scared you away..

i hope after so many sorry-s to you..
you will feel better..
i was just wanted you to be happy..
like you used to be..
because i care about you as my friend..

friends are precious..
friends are for you to be comfortable with..
friends are for you to feel being cared..
hope you feel it.. ^^
if not..
then i'll wait till you feel it..
because that's what friends for..=)
and waiting is a path to be more matured..
so it actually benefits me more XD..
lastly..
take your time..
because i do believe you..
加油 =)

Today~
pei rong went to did something..
which made me felt so impressed of her..
she have that courage to do that..

before that..
we were so funny..
we went to the basketball caourt..
just to look at the girl who ah siang admire..
XD
so awkward after all..
while we were passing by the court..
they were keep looking using the strange eye sight..
like there's so many question in their head..

next was ah king..
he was pretending to be like inspector..
and used his so-called good observation to check us..
sounds like..spying more.. haha XD just kd~
it was fun actually..
but he kept on telling us those specific informations not only making me bored..
even pei rong too!
i was repeating what he said to me..
and pei rong just yawned for many times..
see that king..we both are bored with your big story..
just go n observe is more than enough.. haha ^^
and explained more professionally next time pls.. =P
AND!!!
don't keep making wrong assumption on me
and asked me weird weird questions like 'sam fan' ok?
i'm not your 'fan' shir~ ^^
but after all..
i was having a lot of fun with that..except the boring info ^^

do you?

brand new episode..
my friend take it as drama series when reading my blog..
what should i say?
glad? haha..perhaps ^^
TQ for your supports.. XD

one of my tallest friend asked a questioned last two days..
ha asked..
why are u so happy this today?
i answered him by telling him..
i have to keep myself happy..
for what want to keep remember those things..
while he is not going to have the same feeling like i do..
just wanted to be good friend..

i sad..
so what..
i cry..
so what..
i'm not happy..
so what..
i got problem..
so what..
these are not his responsibilty at all..

so i have to learn not to rely..
he's not going to bother anymore..
so why should i keep remembering things that hurt myself..
while he don't even care about it..
so..
stay happy Tan Sher Nee ^^
i support u!! =P

i don't know

i remembered that i promised him..
to buy him a pair of fishes for him..
but i don't know he still remember or not..
i was actually thought of wanted to buy it..
and make it as a surprise for him..
but..
something had stop me..
ya it's sad..
so..
just forget about it..

i remembered our promises..
both of us..
there's a lot of..hmm..kinda silly promises..
it's so funny..=)
i don't know how did we made such promises..

exhale~fuu~
it's kinda happy that time..
had a lot of fun..
friends should be like that isn't it?
i don't know what does he think about me now..
but..
i'm sure..
he has to be my best friend before..
from the past..till now..
and hopefully the future..
words can lie..
but a person gestures..
can never lie..
i learnt a lot..
on looking at people's facial expression..body language..
it tolds every single sub-text (learnt from david loh =D)
it is..
something which can tell..
but someone who don't want to admit..

i used to say..fine~ i don't care anymore..
actually i was lying to myself..
i don't want to be that way..
because i don't wish u guys to disappeared in my life..
i appreciate each and everyone of u..
u might think that..
kl people like me might tell a lot of lies..
cannot be trusted..
words can be twisted..
smart in tricking people..
fake..
but i can say..
every place has bad people and good people..
i lived in hard time..
which those u can't imagine at all..
so..
i'm different from the real kl people..
because i don't have the chance to be like them..
my life was always filled with fears..
will they come and hit us?
will they chase us out of the house?
when can we stop eating maggie?
when can we stop shifting the books out to the corridor and read under the road lights?
how to treat my mom's sickness?

i have to think of all this things..
whenever i was awake from sleep..
i have to think many many times in doing things..
hmm..

anyway..
i'm happy of who am i..
made u misunderstood me..
and let u in such inconvenienced..
i am so sorry..
because maybe i did something wrong..
but i don't realise i eventually hurt u guys..
really SORRY..

believe or not..
up to u..
but..
this is really who i am.. =)

memories

i suddenly felt..
so miss at those days..
those happy days that we had..
i still can even laugh n smile at it now..
we laughed in..
in the cc..
library..
lecture halls..
canteens..
every place that we have been..
there are all filled with our laughters before..

of course..
those sweet ones..
when can we do these again?..
i have..
no answers for that..
but..
i'm happy..
because..
happy memories should be happy..
right?
that's the motivation for me to stay happy from now on..
i won't forget our happy days..
never ^^
hope to do it again..
even if only in my dreams..
i'm already happy with it..
so..
just..wish.. =)
because..
that's my most precious memories ever..
thanks...

exhausted as well

i don't know what the best respond..
or best solution to solve any problem right now..
do as what u guys wanna do..
i'm tired..
today...
Ah Rong asked me..
would u feel like..
something had change..
people had switched..
i answered her..
maybe i had this feeling..
but i don't know..

was she meant by..
abandoned?
that was my guess..
well..
like i said before..
do whatever as u guys like now..
no comment on that..

i wasn't not in the mood..
because of a phrase..

wound is still a wound..
it never heals..
hypothesis is accepted..
that's the conclusion..

hurt is still hurt..
pain is still pain..
it never recover..

because that's the wound...
that never cure..
it will be a scar
forever..

so..
won't add more..
hopes..
no hopes..
no disappointment..
so please..
stop it..
i don't want to get swelling eyes whenever i woke up..
i'm exhausted like she do...

hey

i have no idea what had happen to me..
i felt tired..
very tired..
u don't want to talk to me..
or even care about me...
i don't care anymore..
i had asked my friend a question..
did he think of my feeling before?
i need ur reason..
but u chose to keep quiet..

i might misunderstood u...
but u never try to make explaination to me..
is it hard for u to speak out?
or u are just feeling of don't want to bother anymore..
up to u..

i can't control u..
and i won't forced u..
i'm a person of..
i asked u once..twice.. and u still don't want to make any reasonable respond..
that's it..
i won't forced u anymore..
up to u..

u might think that i'm selfish by saying all this..
but..
i need people to protect me as how i protect u...
no matter what action u had done to me..
it won't stop me from protecting u..
i still care about u..
but not the same way like before..

i make such statements..
because..
u broke my heart many many many times...
i am a human..
not a robot..
robot will feel tired too..
no matter how strong is that person..
will get tired..and broke down..
so do i..

i everyday asked myself..
am i very rude to u?
am i very annoying to u?
am i that bad to u?
what makes u feel so moody?
what makes u stay so far away from me?
what is in your mind now?
are u sad now?
do u need a person to talk to?


these questions never stop circling my mind..
i'm tired now..
trying to get rid of these questions now..
n lastly..i will think...
will u think of what am i thinking now?

my heart was broken..
not once..
not twice...
and..
is..
by u..

king

Don't get me wrong..
just wanted to tell this person that..
no matter what happen..
i'll still treat u as my best buddy ever..
won't abondon u..
i will keep my promises..
and will stay with u like how we used to be..
until your heart stop beating..
i'll never forget our deals..
i also hope that u won't forget your promises to me..
u won't right?

Yours words hurt me

what a bad day yesterday..
already bad mood at first..
then drinks got steal in cc..
=.=..
i knew that u are not saying that words in purpose..
but i was in anger mood..
so my anger just overlap my rational part..
and that's why i chose to keep quiet..
sorry if i made u feel bad..
because of your words yesterday..
i did sad..
and kinda angry a little..
but i knew it was my own fault..

but..
i felt..
i'm already sad for it..
please don't add any fire on it..
is that the way u talk to me when i'm in that condition?
u are not like that last time..
i really got shocked..
Btw..
like how i told my friend..
nevermind..
i don't care anymore..
that anger last for 20 minutes only yesterday..
so..
whatever..

i told pei rong today that..
i was always alone because..
in school..
i only have u guys as my friends for now..
after school..
i got none..
i don't have any friends like u guys..
who.. they will call u for fun..
went out together and have fun..
find u for drinks..
i don't have..
only ah king n pei rong will call me now..
and that's all..
even my old friends..forgot my birthday..
so this year i went through with my sis only..

they are like suddenly varnish..
and left me alone..
so..
i do wish have more friends like u guys..
and maybe that's why..
i need more...
how silly am i.........

new day..old feeling

don't know what else to say now..
moody..
probably..
sad..
maybe..
think too much..
no more..

i felt like all my brain cells are dead..
so tired..
whatever they are doing now..
i felt..
no more any feeling..
won't angry..
won't feel bad..
i'm like..
just let it be..
you know..
like no more link..
the close link between us..
and i don't wish for anything from u guys anymore..
up to u on what u wanted to do..
i won't say anything anymore..

like what they told me before..
"none of your business..mind your own business"
not only this..but there's more..
so..
something which happen once
i don't wish it to happen for the second time..


可惜不是你陪我到最后
曾一起走却走失那路口
感谢那是你牵过我的手
还能感受那温柔


Thank you for everything...
i can feel your warm..
and your concern..
but things will change someday..
and that day has arrived..
i didn't know it happened that fast and sudden..
But..
thank you what you have tried to do for me..
thank you....

think too much

people used to say that..
stop thinking too much of nonsense..
have you ever think of...
i think too much is because of people around you think so..
people around are thinking too much..
lead me to be part of it..

when people talk they think first..
when people walk they think first..
when they make friends they think first..
when they make a decision they think first..
each and everything that they are doing they think first..
people around couldn't stop thinking..
how can i stop?

why i say so?
because they are using brains more than heart..
intrepret everything using brains..
i couldn't stop too..
a single word of happy! doesn't meant everything can just fade away that way..

you might disagree of what i've said here..
because there's something you couldn't see with your own eyes..
something which only other people can feel it..
think deeply..
with your heart..

miss out

i miss out..two days..
didn't write anything for 2 days..
i was feeling so tired..
and bad mood at the same time..
i just couldn't smile...
i don't know why..

it's raining again..
and one of my friend accompanied me to
walk under the rain..
when we are on our way to cc..

i felt that small rain..
is not enough..at all..
maybe just addicted to the rain...
maybe i just couldn't understand yet..

i was a little more down when my friend said..
"sher nee what are you talking about? don't turn a round la"
during pure maths lecture today..
i knew that he's not on purpose..
but it reminds me of..
what they had said last time..
i really do believe..
once the word exist on you..
the words are going to stick with you forever to them..

what can i say..
keep quiet is the best way to not create any arguments..
i keep telling myself..
stop thinking..

crazy over it

recently..
i'm crazy over the korean songs..
although is just a short plucking and smooth singing background..
but it made me addicted to it..

i had a..erm..
would you called it a fight?
or just a bunch of small kids argument?
i don't know..
i just wanted him to understand..
no matter what happen..
i won't just leave him that way..
buddy is forever..
just sad of not seeing him smiling and laughing
like he used to be..
what does he meant by selfish?
i don't see any..just..
wanted him to be happy..

not only him..
but people around me..
please stay happy as well..

i always thought of..
my caring to them will bring them happiness..warmth..
how silly am i..
i didn't realize..
i'm nothing..

different people
different thoughts..
different people
different hearts..
different people
feel it differently..

and human change every moment..
yes..
it's weird..
but is the fact..

i believe in you..
i trust you..
but did you?
am i still that buddy in you?
Like how we've been through?
we both really need time to calm..

well about the disease title..
i wrote it for two person..
who..
i really treat them as my best friends ever..
have you guys realize it?
understand me yet?

my mistakes

They met me was my mistake..
they were so close with me before was my mistake..
they listen to me was my mistake..
made them not happy was my mistake..
made them think too much was my mistake..
made them worried was my mistake..
made them felt that they are bad was my mistake..
made them say sorry so many times was my mistake..
made them cried was my mistake..
made them having bad mood was my mistake..

All of this will stop..
by getting rid of me..

disease

Is emo act as a trend now?
i can tell that..this trend is horrible..
It looks like a disease that everyone chasing to have it..
is sickening..
please..
is there any cure for this disease?

After him.. here comes another fellow...
who tried to stay away from us..
what's the matter now?
why must it turn to be in that way?
out of ..
so many choices..
why must be that way?

Did you notice..
you didn't care anymore..
no fighting for files..
no more laughing in the library..
no more questioning..
no more demanding to be more carefull..
no more anger when got bullied..
no more nervous when got into trouble..
no more waiting for us..
no more asking for help..
no more heart to heart talk..
no more whispers..
no more eye to eye contact..
no more understanding..
no more caring when sick..
no more shoulder for me to lie on..
no more tissues for me to wipe tears..
no more calls to call me to sleep earlier..
no more putting jackets on me when i'm cold..
no more sharing food happily..
no more sitting together and chat..
no more laughing in the middle of discussion..
no more helping when in trouble..until people called you to do so..
you did that to others..
but not ........me...

did you ever look into it deeply?
have you think of it?
and how could i stop thinking of it..
while i was actually rely on u people..
but then..you pushed me away..
you pushed me away when i needed help so badly..
you didn't see it..
because you don't notice it..
it was happening eventually..
that you even couldn't feel it..
did you think deeply?
or you don't feel it anymore..
where am i suppose to go now?
no one i can rely on now..
none...
walking by myself..all alone..
breathless..

accompany

i wish someone could say..
i won't let your tears drop anymore..

remember

how weird..
there's a lady sat next to me feeling going to cry soon..
@.@..frightening..
what happen recently?
why there's so many drama going on?

yesterday we did some conversation..
a short while..
but i don't know why..
feeling so sad..
nearly cried in the middle of conversation..
i went to toilet because the tears rolling down..
my friend ask me not to cry that easy..
i won't cry easily if it is not that hurt..

friends are like my fingers..
have i told you guys y is that so?
i'm nothing in the house..
i don't open my mouth once i step into the house..
they don't care..they don't trust.. and they often scolded me for nothing..
while i can't say a single word..
y is it so?
the younger can't be rude to elders..
it's true..
and the only way i can be so close and so comfortable are with my friends..
so i treat them really like my family..
i can tell them what do i feel..
what's inside me..

there's no one else i can rely to..
not my family
i'm all depending and rely on my friends..
but..
i screwed it up..
now i'm can't rely both..
neither family or friends..
after that incident..
wound is still a wound..
can't pretend it never happened before..
not you..
neither i..
where can i go now?
where can i talk now?
who can i rely on now?
alone again?
yes i am.. again...

time

i wish the time could turn it anticlockwise..
i wish we can come back sometime..
i wish..
i don't wish all this shit things happen..
i'm so desperate..

wishes are all wishes..
never come true..
raining again..
i have that intend to run out and just stand under the rain..
i look at my watch..
feeling so sad..
feeling going to cry..
can i do that?

no i couldn't.. i'm so tired..
i'm not going to wear the watch again..

TQ

my friend told me that..
something is not right with him..
and until change to hatred..
i don't know what else to do..
i was feeling so guilty..
guilty of..

if they don't want to be with me ..
i don't mind..
but..
just don't avoid her too..
she felt so bad..
she felt that they don't care about her too..
i am so sure that is because of my existence..

i'm so sorry to her...
can u guys..
just don't treat her differently please..
she is innocent..
she don't know anything..
i know u guys trying to avoid me..
very obvious..don't deny..
i'm fine with it..
i understand..
i'm so frustrated..and tired..
just wanted to hit the wall..
and let it bleed..
so that it can..
cover the sadness and the guilty in my heart..

i know it couldn't fully cover..
at least..
i'm so .....
i don't know what else to do..
i couldn't say anything..
because they will probably thought of
because of my period..
this whole thing has been lasting for very long..
i kept it till now..

i can withstand how u guys wana respond on me..
but i couldn't withstand how u guys treat her..
just..
please...

raining

it rains heavily today..heavily..
people are using umbrellas..
while i chose not to use umbrella..
walking under the rain bring me satisfaction..
i don't know why is it so..
but i just wanted to feel the rain drops..

rain bring mist..
mist bring fog..
but..
people used to said..
after rain there's must be rainbow..
how many times you can see the rainbow appears in front of you..
not every single time..
same as those problems..
not all the things you can just forget about it..
and rainbow will just appear that way..

wound is still a wound..
after raining..
the report will still written that there is raining in which town..
the report is the wound..
once is written out..
it is there forever..

nothing is something..
again..
i wish the rain don't stop..
i wish my umbrella is spoil..
i wish to feel more the rain..
maybe it could keep me awake..
and help to hide my feelings..
please....

communication~

i found a very good line..which then i added something..
我对你只有放弃没有忘记我唯一没有做好的事...
从来没有好好沟通 ...        

sorry for making my friends get involved into my matter..
i know they are wanted to help me so badly..
so..i won't reject them..i will just say TQ from now onwards to them..
reject bring them n me suffer..so..just accept it..
i promise..
anytthing happen to u all..
i'm the first person to help..k?
don't hide from me too..

maybe..i'm not a good chatter..
so i wish all of you..can find someone..
who you trusted.. n who you are comfortable to chat with..
as long as you guys are happy..
and feel better..
just stay happy k guys..

Choices

i told my friend i have no choice..

i don't know why that sentence suddenly cross my mind..

no choice..

no hope...

no dissappointment..

no tears..

no sadness..

no heartbreak..

not rational cause problem,

problem cause sadness,

sadness cause heartache,

heartache cause tears rolling down,

tears rolling means care,
care means forever,

but...

reject means annoyed,

reject cause misunderstanding,
misunderstanding cause avoiding,

avoiding cause distance increased,

distance increased cause me...

means nothing...

to you..

I don't want to be nothing to you

Your promises..

I still have it with me

Do you still have it?
because i don't feel it anymore..

will you care when i'm sick?

will you care when i'm alone?

will you care when i'm sad?

will you care when i'm have problem?

will you care anymore?

because i don't feel it anymore..

not any...

Phobia~

i watched that so-called scary thai movie called phobia..
it was a funny ghost movie ever..^^ laughed a lot..till stomach so pain..
Gosh.. i hate watching funny movie now..
after watching it..i have to come back to reality..and face something which i have to..
i wish i could just avoid it.but i know that's not the right way to do it..

i had moved  many steps forward these few days..
And yes he gave me some feedback in return..
But...
those feedback making me felt even more awkward..
i couldn't find a suitable word for it..
shy? i don't think so..
so...
i felt
there is something in between him n my friend..
maybe it is their 'boy's secret'
so i didn't ask any further details on that anymore..

i remembered i sent him a messege of the meaning SHIT
it was actually..
S= sweet
H=honest
I=irrisistable
T=thoughtful

but i edited it..
because..
Like i said before..
the wound is there forever in the heart..
there's no cure
That's the best way i can do for him.. no more any furher move

argue~

this morning which was 12 something in the morning i had an argument with my friend
i was so upset..
upset for not being rational..
and i text him with some harsh words..may broke his heart..
but i didn't mean too..
i wish my apologies to you this morning
u could understand me at the same time..

many thing happen recently..till i'm so tired..and so thy are..
so pray to God that all this bad things will slowly fade away from each and everyone of the heart..

weird

it sounds weird
it looks weird
and it feels weird

all because of the same thing..
something which change a slightly better..but still... can't express out.. couldn't find a suitable word for it..
although i wish all of us be happy..
but the greediness of a human grows fonder time by time..so do i..
i wish we could be who and how we are in the past few months..

but somehow..
things couldn't return back..
as what my lecturer said..no turning back..which woke me up in dreams..
so..what can i do now is..just accept the fact and go on with who n how we are..

to ah king~ he was very weird today..
he looks moody and sick.. i don't know what to do..but i have to keep myself happy..
as someone said before..to make people happy..you have to stay happy at first..so...stay happy as how you are k king?

to ah rong~ don't sing so loud in cc lo..
twice some more.. must learn on how to control oo.. or else the assistance will chase us out ^^

to wei kiat~ stay as who n how you are as well.. happy mode is your only choice for now..no arguments are allowed

to kah keat~ don't so random anymore please..later scared away those girls around you.. just kidding ^^

expose!

Great my both friends read all my post..
i don't know what else to say..
is it relieve? or just to fill up the leisure time?
it's raining..heavily.. feeling differently from before..
am i realy wrong? i have no answer for that..
or i just did it wrongly?
could anyone told me the truth of what's happening?
The truth is ntg happen,from the random friend...

that's not the true thing until he tell me what's is happening in between..

buddy

thanks again to my buddy..let u to keep so many secrets that bother u all the time..sorry..n thank you..
but from now on..i have to learn to be independent... i can't rely on u anymore..
i can tell u my secrets but not relying on u..
hope u can understand..

speechless

i got sick for almost 18 hours from now..got stomachache..probably taken wrong food yesterday..

exhale~ trying to hold back me sadness..i don't know what else to say..

my friend told me that he couldn't face himself..but what i saw n what i felt was.. he was totally avoiding me..

n totally don't want to face me.. what can i say..but one word..sad...

i didn't know that he thought that i was 'eventually' lying to him..

although he said is a politely way..but somehow..it sounds like he don't trust me..

i was totally... broken..i will feel bad because i really didn't do it.. i meant of my every single word to u guys..

i didn't twist my words..can u just believe me..i know what i said now..u wouldn't believe n wouldn't even want to listen.. what else can i say...since i'm a liar to u already...

i'm seriously didn't turn one big round..what should i do to make them believe me..i really didn't..

i couldn't smile because..i felt that u guys r hanging out with a person who twisted her words while i'm not..

sorry to my friends who felt offended of giving u guys an emo face n stay away from u guys..i'm sorry...

slowly..u guys are further apart from me..way too far from me..don't say never because it is reality.. 

look around me now..i'm nothing..a group of my funny n nice friends all fade away..

sometimes i felt like how good if i have not been to meet them n make them sad..sorry..

don't worry i won't cry..because i don't want to cry alone..i will feel even more lonely..even now....

n i must be tough because once fall down..i have to face it by myself..i know my buddy will help me..

but not every second n not every minute he's here to be with me..in theory yes..physically no..

the only thing that stay with me without leaving me a second is my heart..

n thats y..it hurts now...for every second...

could anyone understand me to be thought as a person who are not honest?..

i don't wish to be sad too..but things happening in front of my eyes..n i'm really broken down...
if u want to break our friendship..i won't reject..because no matter how..
there is already a scar in each other heart

even mine..deeply..
i also don 't wish that u will try to guess am i talking the truth or twisted it already..
don't want to be so tired n tortured..

attitude

i chatted with my friend for 1 whole nitez till 4 something in the morning..making him sleep so 'early' in the morning..i'm sorry buddy..
he told me that that guy blame himself for couldn't accept my attitude of not talking to straight to the point..
turn one big round... i was stunted..n my brain was totally went blank.. i don't know what else to say..
i'm seriously very tired..i know my friends too..especially my buddy..
maybe i should just end up all this thing by staying far far far away from him..then...
it might settle his sadness..
n my buddy's worry..
i don't wish to be like last time anymore..
i just wish everyone is happy even without me...

supposingly...

i'm suppose to forget..
i'm suppose to let go..
i'm suppose recover..
i'm suppose to be happy..
i'm suppose to be friend with him like usual..
we suppose to be buddy...
but  now...

all turn to ash..

i'm so tired.. what have i thought all wrong... have to be independent from now onwards..
no more relying on ppl....

happy n yet worry

today was a great day^^ having so much fun at my friend's place...although i'm 38 all the time..
but that's just to make the environment happy only..someone need to act it that way to make them happy..
n so i did it! ^^ they looks happy..so do i..^^
besides..i had continue with my withdrawal progress..n i did it too!!! ^^ now should be only left 20%..
i felt a little relieved..as because..i don't want anyone to feel sad..n unhappy..
so i wanted to make them happy like before..that's why i'm trying my best to make them happy..
as my one of my former schoolmate told me that..'if u wanted to ppl happy,u have to be happy at first'..
it was a vry good phrase to be followed ^^

about the thing that i'm worried was..that fellow suddenly acted so quiet n looks like not in the mood..
maybe he's too tired.. n sleepy..that's my first guess..
but anyway..just wish that our friendsip will not break forever^^

at last i had a relieve feeling for once..without considering on what to do..n how to do..
but he still looks like something had bothering him...i don't know what t do...
but i'll try to ask my friend to talk to him..to let him not to think so much.. sooo..
thank you buddy!!!
love u so much^^
u r the best !! ( u know what to do right?) XD

weird feeling

today my friend told me something.. i don't understand..
since that person is not having the same feeling as i do...
why think so much?
if he felt embarrased n felt that my existance made him got irritated then i know why is he avoiding me..
n couldn't face me..so..eventually i had cause a problem to him..sry for that..but somehow i still don't get it..
why he would acted in different way? n think differently? that's totally weird..
i've been trying my best not to show any sign n like avoiding him in some case.. if that's not enough..i'm really sorry..i'm not in the purpose at all..i'm in the process of withdrawing now..i've tried my best..
n yes..i did it a little..now left..
40%..n i know is a lot more to go..but at least..i have brought back the friendship that suppose to be..
as my teacher said.. u need to work hard or even give up on something to get another thing..

recently...i felt like..i'm not only getting further away from him..but.. even my friends around me..i don't know why..i just found out that i couldn't get into their topic n conversation..n even couldn't get into their world..
and so..i found out i'm getting further apart.. i know my friends trying so hard to pull me back..
but that last for just a second...or a moment..thanks a lot to them..although is just a while or a short period..
i knew they care for me..i knew it..is just ...i don't know how to say...

i can't let my that random friend see this post..he would be scolding me of thinking too much again..

anyhow..on this whole thing..i didn't use brain to intrepret n make conclusion..i used my heart to sense it.. yes...my heart.....

how long would it last?

today..i wasn't in the good mood too..what else..no need to mention i think my blog knew it..no more nagging essays like the previous..i'll just make it short and precise..

i feel sad today.. but this feeling had slowly fade away little by little..not so pain like those few weeks..
maybe thats what v call..getting used to it...i was having a feeling of..'do whatever as u like la'..
although i've been trying to pull that person back to our life as before during this morning..
but he's avoiding me all the way...
i don't want that person to feel annoyed..so i stop..
and....somehow it hurts me..

from my friend

my friend tengah pek chek...haiz..he keep on haiz.. n said that he couldn't help me..he is a person who having a very very very hard head n brain..people tell the truth that he had help me a lot but still wanted to argue with me..haiye~ keras kepala betul..should get a gf for him to reduce his bad thinking n  bad habit...

gosh...

i'm writing this just in front of ppl..in the cc..although someone is here too.. but i could feel that ...my existance is almost invisible to that person..i duno what to say..but chose to keep quiet..mayb i should just keep avoiding him n just appear rarely in front of that person it would b better?? i have no ans for that..i'm afraid my sadness change to hatred... because.. i don't know where have i did wrongly.. but i do really feel that..there's changes between me n that person..i'm just totally speechless...i am seriously run out of my mind to do anythg for it.. n today..it's hard for me to say.. i'm totally down..but...i know i have to stand up firmly and tell them..i'm fine..but i actually couldn't..i don't know what is in that person's mind..why n howcome our relationship had become this way..couldn't us just be like v used to b?? do my request that hard to achieve??? why...........................

almost cry out while listening to music..i realy don't know what else to do..v totally realy far apart from now..although the physical distance is oni few centimeter away.... but the feel of it is far far far away from here..there's nothing i can do..but just letting it getting further apart..i don't know why.. i just don't want to force anyone to be what i wanted to be.. i don't force ppl for that.....this kind of things is out of my control..n
from the start i should know this is not an easy way..but... want to do it is another thing..n i couldn't make it..

maybe i wouldn't withdraw my feeling..maybe i'll just continue..i always told ppl to change another perspective to look at that particular thing..but no matter how u look at it..until the end..it will return to it's own point..the starting point of where u started to change...n i know i'll do that as well..
maybe some ppl could just start a new way n forget about the past..but i'm not that kind would do that..
my friend ask me to change...but u know some ppl took years to totally eliminate the old to replace the new one..how about now then ......i don't want to think about the future which is far away from now... how?.......

song~

i heard a song recently.. reminded me something..n howcome v have been till this situation?
i don't get what's the problem going on.. i wish v could stay as what v did last time.. that happy moment..
i don't want to change anythg..just.....stay as usual......please ....
coz...it is hurting....me....badly...

suffer

i felt that something was not right..is it my fault? or is just i'm not suppose to be existed in your life
my six sense told clearly..it is something not right...i couldn't n don't know what else to do..n i couldn't tell anyone...what should i do? i don't know i can take it n stand it for how long.. n i know it's not vry long from now on...God..help me..please......... T.T



我不落泪 忍住感觉
分手在起风这个季节
哭久了会累 也只是别人的以为
冷的咖啡 我清醒着 一再续杯


我落泪 情绪零碎
你的世界一幕幕纷飞
门外的蔷薇 带刺伤人的很直接
过去被翻阅 结局满天的风雪

我害怕你心碎没人帮你擦眼泪 but...


也许还是重返寂寞

毕竟也只有寂寞肯永远爱我
也许还是拥抱孤独
从来也只有孤独肯陪我痛哭

我以为我够坚强

却一天天地失望
少给我一点希望
希望就不是奢望

说了再见 才发现再也见不到

能不能就这样忍着痛泪不掉
说好陪我到老 永恒往哪里找

但我却好累....

sad

Today..my friend is so moody..n emo.. while..i couldn't help to make him happy back..
i am so desperate....so sad...n so speechless..i've crack my brain to help him ..
to bring him back to what i used to see in those happy moments..
i don't wish he is so down..because..that's not who i knew......

brand new day

it's been a habit to write my blog nowadays..but not until school reopen..=P
wanted to tell my that particular friend that..i have my own reason n i knew somethg ...
n that's why i chose that way..i admit that it could be wrong..
but i'm not that strong n i'm coward enough to face thw consequences..
i'm afraid once i'm into it..i could get myself out of there...
it's always easy to put in than pull out... as how u learn in physics...
when a force acting on an object is always easier than pulling an object...
although i had dropped that in subject...
but..i still understand that theory..
in short..i'm not brave enough..
past experienced led me to an afraid feel..afraid to lose..afraid of cardio-lysis..
i don't dare to take any risk anymore... i knew that i'm selfish.. but ....
every consequences that happened.. i faced it alone..it's painful....very...painful....

i wonder~

hmm..my grammar is getting horrible day by day..must get it correct this time..
so.. where should i start? by telling ppl how or what's in my mind?
that doesn't works..i'm a person who would just keep it in the heart..
till there's no more space to fill in..
n that's the time where boom! volcano exploded..n lavas are rolling down slowly..
there's someone who asked me before..why are u always rolling down ur tears?
i was wanted to tell the person that..
a person wouldn't cry if there's no wound in the heart..
n because of the pain that ppl wouldn't understand me..
hurting my heart even badly..
n i don't want to annoyed ppl n also brought them any trouble..
n so.. i chose to keep quiet most of the time..i learnt from ppl around me..
keep ur mouth shut before ppl misunderstand u n bring more troubles to other ppl..
i knew it does not seems right..but thats the reality..
i had somethg in my mind recently..that... i couldn't say out... n expressed out..
so..i let it go..let it be..
as i heard from ppl....
love ur present...live for your present.. n appreciate your present...
before u miss n lose more...
so.. i do encourage ppl to go for what u want in your mind..before it's too late...
don't make somethg that u are going to regret someday...
God might give u a second chance..but not always...not everytime...
like this following lines..cannot use it everytime..
but i think it should be written in my blog for now... that is...
don't afraid of what will it be in the future..afraid of what u had not done...
go for it.....

thanks

i have a friend who really help me a lot..he always helped in trying to soothe my feeling towards somethg that bothers me..
until ppl thought that v r couple..he didn't said anythg but just smilling..it shows that..
he is a friend who could help ppl no matter what ppl thinks abt him..
so..thanks buddy... ^^ i owe u for that...

n for that i trade a secret wif him..i don't know i have been causing him a trouble or not..but...
one thg for sure...
i know he does trying to help me..i appreciate it.. thanks again..^^ best buddy forever!!

i shouldn't

my friends said that i think too much..n said..don't keep doing ur own prediction..
i can't help it..there's something i can see from ppl around me..
so it makes me wondering alot
or is it because of..i'm not satisfied? i couldn't get a clear picture from them..
i'm a person who need somethg to b cleared..at least a phrase.. just a phrase..
rather than you ppl keep ur mouth shut..n even stay away from me...
i know some ppl need a space for themselves..
n i also understand that there's somethg that ppl wouldn't want to tell to other ppl..
n choose to keep it to themselves..n want to b alone for a moment..
i understand vry well..but humans r not always that rational...
especially me...n i also know that i shouldn't think that much..
but ....thats the human nature that i have...the feeling... that i couldn't get rid off....could you understand me?

should i?

well..talk abt those thgs r boring.. i knew vry well that ppl would like to c more towards abt.. ur private lifestyle..^^
basically wanted to tell those ppl who like someone but couldn't let him or her know abt it..
might b suffering..but turn over ur mind..
if u can c her or him everyday in ur life even a second..
that's the best thg ever..
don't try to plan that d person u like will treat the same way as u..
don't even think n plan abt it..as idiom goes..don't count ur chickens before they hatch..^^
learn a lot of idioms recently..=P
back to the point.. so...
those who still can look at the person who u like don't complaint anymore..
try to think those who like her or him but have to b seperated away..

tears

many thgs happen in a row..don't even know how to start with it or where to start
i failed my chem twice..i regret..vry regret..but i tried to hold back my tears..coz i have promised my friends that i won't cry in front of them
must be happy always.. so i don't..i keep telling myself..i have another last shot..
no matter what i must hit my target with this last shot..i am been recognised with my ability
i have to show them i'm not stupid as they called me..although i know it's a joke..but still
i could feel the pain...
ppl used to said.. come on it's just a test..
i'm not a rich person could have second chance to study like that in college..
i couldn't miss any chance that had given to me..
not one..
i have a poor family background that ppl couldn't understand..n yet is not necessary for me to tell all of u unless my best pal keep asking me..
not to say that i feel shame..is because i don't want ppl to feel any sympathy n keep buying me thgs..
thanx a lot guys.. i know u guys trying to make me happy..i am vry happy..happy like hell...but............
i do care what ppl thinks..you know what i mean rite..btw..i know i couldn't argue with u all...so...again..thanx guys ^^

failed in exam T.T

yes..i failed in my chemistry exam..which is my most important subject ever ..
i'm so terribly down..that day..
i even cried for a night..one whole night..
how could i let myself failed for that subject..
y am i so dumb..T.T
i shouldn't do that..n i can't!!
i'm so afraid to take another exam now..
btw..i'm fine now..
just to make sure that my friends won't so worry about me..
i'm fine guys!!! ^^

hope that this bad thgs won't happen to me anymore..
don't fail anymore!!
no failure is allowed in my exams!!! not even one subject!! never!

freaking busy week

damn!! i got so many things to do for this two weeks..sry for those who i didn't reply your msg..
sometimes it depends on my mood as well..u know..sometimes when u are not in the mood..u will have the feeling of just want to stay away from ppl..just want to sit alone and do my things without any disturbance..

back to my point..seriously..my homeworks are not done..n i have presentation on mon which i'm not well prepared at all!! plus i have exams coming soon..on next tues n wed..
so stressful =.=..for dumb ppl like me is hard to catch up that fast..just imagine our lecturer finished 2 chapters in a week..how can i catch up??!!!!

i'm so regret to take A-levels by now..i shouldn't have the dream to take pharmacy course for my main aim..i'm so regret..my lecturer said is a tough subject..have to study n do research a lot..haiz.... luckily i have taken guitar class to balance up my stressful life..my teacher said..the nxt class v r going to play n sing ..that's my favourite part ever..^^ i do love to sing..n hopefully i can have the chance to perform..hopefully ppl can recognised my 'so-called' talent..haha..just an imagination for my own satisfaction ^^

biasa lah..manusia kan suka bermimpi..^^ that is the fact..nvr argue for it

should i??

i'm thinking of writing a story using my blog..
but..i don't know that should i do that?
u know when u are doing something..it eventually makes u felt..
addicted n must commited to it by keep writing it..
but at the same time..
i'm afraid that i'm too busy and i will neglected either studies.. or my stories..
so? what should i do?
i knew that i'm easily influenced by ppl..
i'm trying my vry hard to change..
haiz..whatever la..times will always tell us what to do..
just trying to express out feelings only..not hoping to tell anyone or let anyone tell me =P

stalker!

gosh..i really wonder that guy normal or abnormal??
keep disturbing ppl..especially female..like me =.=

atop being that way pls..u r making me don't want to work anymore..
wanting to quit by then..but..i can't just leave my lovely chris amole there with him
he is too..no more words can't describe him..just sucks..
i do know how to scold ppl too..>.<

mayb i should really get a bf to stop all those rumours n disturbance..
n there's a guy who really helps a lot..
but i just can't accept him..u know..everythg depends on feeling..no means no..
n get 'touched' is another story..
he is good..but..i just can't..n for god sakes..guys! stop making fool around abt me n him pls..
making me don't want to friend with him anymore..
got those guilt feeling u know..pls..consider a little abt my feeling la!!=.=

is my name (sher nee) that hard to pronounce?

=.= my friends all keep pronounced wrongly
thy always add me name with those weird n strange slang in it
but is ok..
thy are all cute ^^

although when u speak proper english with them thy would like..
u noe..don't quite get it..but i've learnt a little mandrin from them already so far..^^
so basically..
v r speaking multi language at the same time
itu panggil ROJAK..haha =P

new friends new experience..n new understanding..
like what thy said.. a brand new chapter..trying to fit myself into it..

happy day

great travel..
1st time i'm sitting bus to sungei wang..
my friends keep asking me.. are u kl ppl??
how can u didn't sit a bus to sungei wang before??
i was laughing like hell..^^
yes i am kl ppl but i took lrt k..not bus!

v went to watch prince of persia
that novie not bad..but still..kinda boring a little..
gosh..canot watch nightmare..no more!
how sad is that TT

but is ok..watching movie with 20 person at a time is totally my 1st experienceat all!!
haha excited at 1st..coz kinda funny u noe when therss so many ppl to d same movie at a same time..hahaha
then v know how to get there..
but i don't know how to go back! hahan there started to asked me the same ques again..^^
what a cute classmates i have ^^

haizzz....

tired leh..=.=
1st week of college life is kinda bboring to me..
yes i met a lot of new friends who i don't remember their names
=P..don't blame me..i can't rmb too much names in one time
although not much homework
but still i make myself that i had a lot of homework because i wish i can have good results

so that i can continue my scholarship..
but..
i got no confidence at all
so stress already right now
i knew that i'm not smart like ohter ppl..but..just
hopefully that i can make it..pray for me..

a harsh time ever

on last two days onwards i've been crying a lot
till my eyes kinda swell up n tired
until now i still got that dizziness

too tired..
i can't even hardly focus during my bio class
my hse is totally a mess
my family members act like thy r stranger n even worst than strangers
thy don't help family members but stay a side n watch u die..

i was so shock to realize that..
u can't trust anyone anymore in this world
just think abt it.. your family don't act like thy know u..
imagine it

finally!

trrust me..
tar college is definitely huge 4 me rite now
thy r making us so tired coz v hav to walk from this end to the another end
which took me 4 like 7 mins that include a little of running
the time is so pack!

i can't even enjoy the moment when going to toilet
i hav to keep looking at d time n rush 4 another class
thy even split all those classes into different rooms each!
is that neccessary for them to do that??

oh god..tired like hell
but one thg is good where
i met few friends from different state
but i love my 'ah yen' she is soooooo pretty n gentle as well
i've been chatting with her for like 1 hour..
haha..
basically..just talk nonsense^^
but i love talking to her..u should listen to her voice..
so sweet~~~
too bad i'm not lesbian =P n she's not too haha

nearly 4got!!

i met my adidas handsome guy 2day..
damn happy..^^
she stil looks cute weh..
yup she is a girl^^
and don't think too much i'm just admired her totally not LEsBIan!^^
how coincidence
by the time me n mun yee walk out of d school
there i met her

she look at me back too
wau..u know that kind of feeling that
at last! she notice u!
haha..
how good if i know her name n which course she is in..
just wanted to get to know her more..

sometimes when i admired someone or i like someone
it doesn't mean that i hav to force him or her to stay with me
able to look at in a far distance
also can make my mouth smile wider than normal days

it is simple if u don't take it too over..
just make it simple for my life ^^
then u can be happy anytime
i believe our happiness can control by our own mind
it's just the matter on how u think abt it

when in the audition room!

guess what..after i sang everythg including the english n the mandrin songs
they request me to sing females songs
i was..what? i'm not familiar with any females songs k
i'm more to male side plz
n they trying to list out for me like lady gaga..whitney houston..alicia keys
what i did was..waving my head horizontally
haha
then they asked me to sing 'i love u baby..and if is quite all right..i need u baby'
that song la i don't realy know that song and they sang it to me!
they taught me to sing it
what a nice judge haha^^

lastly they said that my voice is nice but just not too loud
and they said 'i want to hear more'
haha i took that as a compliment
although they asked me to like repeat that song over n over again for like 3 times?

it was a great experience ever! (although i forgot the lyrics) haha
but it is totally different
unlike what i've been through in secondary schools ^^

exicited n yet embarrasing!

today i'm been went through for the
TT audition..
well..
of coz i saw a handsome guy there
oh god..he is so so so gentle when he talk to me
n soft too!!

is he shy or i'm too crazy?
keep talking nonsense there..
haha..n here's the experience that i had in the room
1st u wil see those fierce n strict looking jugdes looking at u
i bet u wil definitely shivering n nervous like hell
i'm so damn scared will singing in front of them

then when i start singing..
thank God that i didn't out of pitch
haha..
but!
i sing until half way i forgot the lyrics!!
oh God! damn embarrasing man!